Homage to my mentor

At The Hospital

The standard salutation

Ask The Professor “How are you”? You know that his standard response is “trying to survive”. So now
whenever The Professor greets any acquaintance in the hospital, the response to him is “trying to
survive”. And his response is “you appear to be doing a very good job at it”.

And he still appears to be doing a very good job at surviving. A recent comment is that retirement
must be a desirable thing. With his crew-cut he was told you appear 15 years younger. He was always
told by young nurses and young PAs, “but you still look so young”. He always acknowledges the
comment with a smile.

This always reminds me of my mother who told me “if you are told you are slow, be reminded that it
is because you take after your father. If he was any faster, you would be 15 years older.” Anyway,
the good thing is that the same nurses and PA’s who tell The Professor that he looks so young, tell
me that I look so old. This would make my mother very happy appearing to make up for lost years. But
I tell the nurses and PA’s that of late he is always in his suite at meetings while I remain in the
OR in scrubs. I am therefore almost always sterile.

The Professor continues with his lab experiments. Later I will make reference to his experiments for
his four children. I have two children. He has heard my standard response to the frequent question:
how many children do you have. My response is always “two known.” I hope to have more children than
The Professor by a factor of the “unknown”.

OR

1. Blood transfusion

   Standard protocol for bleeding at any breast surgery – “call for two units of blood. Call the blood
   bank at 1639 (No on seems to know that The Professor’s phone extension is 1639).” With The Professor
   operating in the OR, the phone call for blood is never answered. The nurse always responds – “no one
   picks up the phone.”

   “Patient needs a transfusion, keep dialing.” Anesthetists and nurse anesthetists also try that
   extension for packed RBCs. For all calls to the “Blood Bank at extension 1639” there is always only
   a dial tone.

No secretary

For all the years that he was Associate Director of Surgery he had no personal secretary. And he
needed a secretary because of the way he types. In retirement he still will be picking-and-pecking
with index fingers, eyes latched onto his keyboard sitting at his computer in the basement.
Hopefully the email notification “FYI with attachment” is now an unnecessary subject line.

Scottish Restaurant

It is lunch break. While he is operating, the OR nurses are changing over. “By the way, you know
that there is free food at the Scottish restaurant. Don’t you like Scottish food.”

“But I don’t know of any Scottish restaurant around here.”

“You don’t know that Scottish restaurant McDonald’s? Go there and ask for a plate. They announced
that for now the food is free. You didn’t hear the overhead announcement?”

The nurse returns from lunch-break complaining that when she inquired at the McDonald’s cashier she
was told there was no free food today. “You should then ask for the food on Account 109. You didn’t
know.” This is The Professor’s restaurant account number. It is the account number he uses to
purchase the carrot cakes the nurses always get from him. I am sure he wants to tell you that if you
are not satisfied with the cafeteria’s menu today then just find your way to the Scottish restaurant
and place your order to his Account 109. I assure you, you won’t be disappointed.

The Plaza

Then there is The Plaza. “How could you not have heard of The Plaza. At times its additional stalls
extend into the adjacent subway station. For its current location, just Google it. Google for The
Plaza.” The Plaza is recommended to any doctor, resident, student, or nurse who appears to be
short-sighted at the EMR on the computer monitor or who appears to be short-sighted at surgery. The
spectacles required to correct short-sightedness sell for at most 2 dollars in The Plaza. Most items
at The Plaza sell for no more than 99 cents. Then if 99 cents is not good enough for you, you could
always go across the street to Pay-With-Coupons instead of going to Payless.

Church

“My Resident is a priest. Didn’t you know that he has his own church.”

The nurse responds “No, I don’t know. Doctor, what is the name of your church? By any chance of luck
is my church your church?”

“Maybe. My church is Church of the Painted Breast”. After a pause, the rest is said only to those
for whom there is any hope for conversion, not to the pious: “To become a member of my church, my
committee has to nominate you. Nomination requires consideration of a selfie taken with your breasts
painted circumferentially in your or your parents’ national colors. For most of you here burning
with the desire for membership, paint your breasts like a target with red, white and blue concentric
circles covering the entire breast. Then email the selfie to the nomination committee. And don’t
forget the application fee of 40 dollars. There is no capping to the application fee; i.e., you can
submit as much as you can afford. Consider that applications are prioritized highest fees first. It
has always been a first come first serve. Additionally, membership guarantees yearly tide: 10% of
salary donated tax free to the Church of the Painted Breast. Be reminded that during services and
during festivities mandatory offerings of members are scaled according to the aesthetics of the
psychedelic parading breasts. Offerings are not based on cup-size. A single-cup sized breast is
known to have won the MEGA.”

To some this jargon sounds like a Nigerian Article 4-1-9 violation, that is fraud. “Not in America
(said with a Nigerian accent). There could be nothing fraudulent here since the Church of The
Painted Breast is registered as a tax exempt religious entity.”

Cardiac Surgeon, Breast Surgeon and Urologist

The Professor need not worry about the form the wreath will take over the hearse at his funeral – it
will be shaped in the form, his PAs tell me, of a huge breast given that he is a Breast Surgeon. On
top the hearse will be gorgeous yellow, and black roses and tulips on a backdrop of green fronds and
palms forming a beautiful breast. I won’t comment on the shape of the wreath for his urologist
friend. I will only say that for all his Cardiac Surgeon colleagues at the Heart Center there are
wreaths in the shape of huge hearts.

The Real Professor

This reminds me of his long-time, noble gynecologist friend, the South African born, Dr. Ubuntu. Dr.
Ubuntu in his impressive South African accent, “How is the Professor?”.

“He is in his office ‘trying to survive’.”

“But you know that here many want to be called Professor. Many are called professor, but here there
is only one Real Professor”. Dr. Ubuntu says this with much conviction.

Professor, Professor Emeritus, Regius Professor

A few years ago he would refer to his close colleagues as professors. In return he would be teased
Professor Emeritus, because of course he always was the True Professor. With a British colonial
background it must have appeared to him somewhat odd that no one here referred to him as Professor.
Of course he is now Professor Emeritus. If he now called anyone Professor Emeritus, I have for him
the salutation Regius Professor to the Crown. I would say that if for this Regius Professor there
was not the absolute requirement for professorship at Oxford or at Cambridge, then he would have
achieved this highest accolade. It goes without saying that The Professor has all the academic
titles. His achievements also include the highest national civilian award bestowed by the Nigerian
government. And I think this is the award he is most proud of.

Vacation – just to vacate the premise

Vacation from Hospital meant going to the monastery of the lab in the Black Building at 168th and
Fort Washington. The times for vacation work were just longer, that is all. Regular working hours
went to any time after 8 pm, 10 pm, midnight, wee hours of the morning, and included all weekends
and holidays in between. Dr. Haddad, one of his life-long colleagues and now Professor Emeritus of
Nuclear Medicine, and The Professor would drive to the airport to fetch radioactive lab research
chemicals. When flights bringing in the radioactive material were delayed, they slept in the airport
lobby, waiting for the material to arrive. These are times he must have been forced to have fast
food. Know that The Professor only partakes of traditional Nigerian foods.

History of The Hospital

I recall when The Professor wrote the History of The Hospital for the “Brothers” of the Society of
Black Academic Surgeons (SBAS), as he calls co-members of SBAS. The Editor of the Journal of the
National Medical Association (JNMA) commented on his prompt and until then only response from the
many to whom a request for the history was made. The Editor then said he saw why his accompanying CV
was so long. If the then CEO of The Hospital new this, The Professor would have had to answer the
question “Where did you find the time to write so many papers?”.

Children

But the question of where he found time to have four children is still a valid one. Moreso because
he used his time-tested patented technique for girl, boy, girl, boy. Here, you wonder who were the
human subjects for the necessary accummulation of preliminary data and who were the human subjects
in the subsequent experimental trials leading up to the perfection of his technique. It is
noteworthy that in this seminal work he reported himself as principal subject.

In any event, anyone here wishing to have kids of alternating gender are advised to purchase the
manual for the technique at a nominal fee. Go to his website, assurance-of-progeny-gender, for the
manual. Additionally, you can also view his demo videos of his technique on the website. Viewing is
complimentary to purchase of his instruction manual. The only requirement for viewing the video
clips is that your computer must have a cookie allowing viewing of restricted content. If you
wondered why his computer was down so often and why finding his website is so tedious, its because
content on his website is often misclassified by Google.

M&M and Basic Science Lectures

He never misses M&M or Basic Science lecture. If he did its because there was a more important
meeting elsewhere in the hospital. And it was said he would never become Head of Surgery because he
would not tolerate the torture of administrative meetings. But then he was appointed head and his
attendance and punctuality at administrative meetings became legendary. Surely he is missed.

He says he is the founder of the Basic Science Lecture Series for surgery residents. And he
continued to select the surgical articles for the residents’ Journal Club. You could question the
relevance of the articles. But he is reviewer for so many high-impact journals you question his
choice at your disadvantage.

Articles and abstracts

About writing articles and abtracts for publication, there are events to relate. The best is that of
the Japanese (I cann’t recall his name) fellow researcher who had little data from his
transplantation experiments. That year the Transplantation Society was having its meeting in Japan.
Other non-Japanese researchers had abstracts to present but the Japanese fellow had none. With
little data The Professor wrote an abstract for him that was accepted for presentation. The Japanese
fellow then presented at the World Transplantation Conference in Japan.

Then there was the year when The Professor’s lab had 4 abstracts accepted for presentation at the
Surgical Forum of the Clinical Congress of the American College of Surgeons. This is when the
Program Director asked The Professor, “How did you manage that?”

The Professor has no unpublished manuscript with his name on it. Every manuscript got published. One
way to evaluate research effort and success is to look for published abstracts that never became
published papers. The Professor has no abstract that did not culminate in a peer-reviewed published
paper. Talk about perseverance.

Amazingly, first authors, like then Head of Department of Surgery, of first xenotransplantation
fame, God bless his soul, come to The Professor for abstract content and presentation coaching for
their abstracts. Now you know how and why The Professor is Professor Emeritus.

Office

1. Happiest on the computer – emails, forms and reports

   The FYI emails were numerous. There was a member of the Surgery Staff that transferred out to
   another department. She implored: “Please send me no more FYIs”. How many colleagues longed for
   transfer out of his department for the same reason?

2. Organized – folders

   So many manila folders that it took him a month and a half to clear out his office for retirement.

3. Delinquent

   You want to annoy The Professor. Put him on a delinquent list. He also thinks others should be like
   him. Proof that this is not so are the repeat, numerous offenders in his FYI email lists with more
   than 50 unverified EMR notes each. The delinquents will say, what a relief; there are no more FYI
   emails after his retirement.

ICU

1. Response to IMG’s with wrong answers to his guestions

   The response to IMG’s with wrong answers to his questions was “Not in America. (Pause) Are you a
   Christian. Do you pray.” The Professor usually stepped slowly backwards with clasped praying hands
   awaiting another attempt at a response.

   There was this bright student who instead of attempting another answer was moving forwards while The
   Professor retreated. The student instead of answering produced an out-stretched arm – “Be careful,
   Professor. Don’t fall”. The old ICU, had a low wall with a ledge around the base partially surrounding
   the cubicles. The student was genuinely concerned about the safety of his professor.

2. Question

   “OK, there are a 101 complications of a blood transfusion. For you, just give me ten. One.”

   The advice to PA and medical students rotating through ICU was to obtain a copy of the standard
   answers to the list of predictable questions The Professor asked. The notes are punctuated with the
   time that a joke would be made, and with the expected duration of the laughter, like a screen
   script.

Clinic

1. Breast exam

   There is the PA’s story of The Professor examining a patient in his Breast Clinic. You were not to
   distract him with a question during his examination less he lingered on the nipple, turned around,
   and kept rolling the nipple between thumb and index looking for nodules while he answered the
   question.

Conferences

Hotels

In a Chicago hotel what was the reason for the high charge for his preferred tea compared to that
for the coffee of others. He suggested to the waiter a charge of 2 dollars for a glass of ice-water.

Dress code

Coat and tie is a must. “Promise that as a student, resident and doctor you will never be seen in
hospital outside the OR without a tie and white coat. You seem to have a preference for pyjamas.”
For him scrubs are pyjamas not work clothes. Scrubs must certainly not be used outside the hospital.

Eating

About snacks, The Professor does not have sweets. He also does not drink sodas, since he considers
sodas sweets. I wondered whether he had gone beyond prejudice against food. Whether he was now an
adviser to the Mayor promoting taxes on sodas. With no sweets he boasts that his visits to the
dentist have only now began. As for drinks, he only has tea, preferably sweetened with honey. No
alcoholic beverages. His food cannot have any semblance of fast food. Food must be traditional food.
Hence, The Professor almost never has lunch at work. Food at work can only be fish, preferably
steamed fish, and must include vegies, and/or fruits.

About the vending carts on the street corners, he says that before serving coffee the cart counter
is cleaned with the same brown-white towel for as many moons as he has been at the Hospital. The
towel is never washed. Of course The Professor has no food or drink from the vending carts. At work
he has no food whatsoever.

He wouldn’t dine at the neighborhood buffet restaurant because, according to a colleague, the
Homeless roam into that restaurant, touch, sample and mark food with body fluids.

Surgical Residency

Being late for any appointment is a crime. The Professor is never late to work. He is always at work
by 5:30 am. He does not leave work before 7 pm. The ostensible excuse for these times is avoidance
of the George Washington Bridge traffic. This likely derives from a traumatic experience on the
George Washington Bridge. The scene conjured is The Professor having an accident in proximity of the
bridge. His crashed car is smoking out of the hood. For him the car was about to burst into flames.
He jumps out of the car and runs away from it for dear life. Of course, he knows all about burns,
and this has him run even faster. He ran so fast away from his burning car that the cops reached him
with racing police cars blaring sirenes. The cops fetched him safely back to the scene of the
accident avoiding a secondary pedestrian accident with him being hit by a motor vehicle. Since then
he does not cross the Bridge during peak traffic hours. He expects everyone to be early at work when
only some of his colleagues and few of his students have had such post-traumatic stress disorder.

Now his son is the elephant in the room. I am the grass. I acknowledge his presence. Prior to his
son having an accident, I told The Professor that a young accident patient of mine didn’t have to
die. He should have had a craniotomy. There was failure to rescue that patient. One of the reasons
why PIs improve morbidity but still produce no gains in mortality. He argued otherwise. But I was
glad when he saw his son in ICU in a semicomatose state still communicate relevantly. The Professor
was seeing and believing. Proof of the young brain’s plasticity. I was witnessing an in vivo
experiment, granted with only one subject and no control. The result was 100% survival. This was The
Professor’s greatest reward, greater than his highest Nigerian civilian award. I believed in his
son’s total recovery when my friend greeted me in his admonishing way, “Hecto… Hecto… Hecto”.

Walk

The Mayor of the county

The Professor’s walks down the Avenue are always longer than I expected. After so many years in this
neighborhood, there are many acquaintances on every block greeting “The Mayor”, the appellation
given to him by one of his many patients.

“How are you. This is MY doctor.”

“Trying to survive. And how is your daughter.”

“She completed chemo and is now on Tamoxifen. She is doing well.”

“And her twin sister.”

“She passed on just a few months ago.”

“Sorry to hear. God bless her soul.”

“For all you have done for us, God bless you.”

As always his response was “I need it.”